Losing my religion
You know when you make a wish over your birthday cake and all the candles get blown out – and your wish comes true?
Well, times that by a thousand. That's sort of how it feels lately.
The funny thing is, I seem to have lost my need for preferences.
They're just gone.
What I mean is I seem to have no interest in how things go other than being as fully engaged with the moment.
I still feel happy at times and I still feel sad when I happen to feel sad and experience tons of other emotions.
I just no longer seem to need anything to be a certain way.
The first time I noticed it was in early March, when I traveled seated in first class, for the first time.
The experience of traveling with more room and champagne and a nice meal was great and all – don't get me wrong – I really enjoyed it, but I noticed that it didn't really matter. Meaning, it didn't hold any weight in my thinking, I just noticed I was flying first class and all of the wanting of it for so long fell away. When my friend Kristy asked me during my trip if I enjoyed my first class flight experience, even then I noticed how it didn't carry any weight and I wasn't even quite sure what to say about it...
It was sort of funny.
All of the wanting, longing, hoping, praying, wishing, the wanting of anything – was just plain gone.
This needing of things to go to in a particular way, what my small-self, ego wanted – was a deeply hidden, attachment.
It was like my religion.
The funny thing is that "I thought" losing this would mean...
I wouldn't really get upset and sad
I wouldn't ever have desire for anything
I wouldn't have feelings at all (!)
Which looking back at those questions and thoughts brings a smile to my face because of course I'd still have ALL of those feelings. Being human means having them and getting to experience ALL OF IT.
And I'm sure my preferences will probably show up again again in some form or another, but much more lightly now that I see that the line is made up.
That our attachments are sliced paper thin and can vanish just like – that – in a snap!
Until – poof! You wonder why they looked so real and big and scary and insurmountable in the first place.
This all reminds me of the experience I had last week when a very close family friend passed away. I realized how much he means so much to me even though I hadn't spent that much time with him since I was a kid.
The reflection of his life hit me hard – in a good way. I could feel all the love and being at the service, being in that space with everyone was beautiful. Seeing his life spread out in pictures and all of the things he created as an entrepreneur and businessman in the community. Reading about how he gave so much of his time and financial gifts as well, often anonymous. He lived a really full life. Full stop.
He was always so kind and really "with you" when he was with you. Whether you were sharing a laugh or something upsetting, he brought such lightness to the moment. And the problem or conflict didn't look real anymore. It's so light that the attempt to describe it feels untouchable.
Just like the noticing of losing my preferences has felt – untouchable and indescribable.
When I first noticed it was missing and hasn't come back, I also saw something huge:
EVERYTHING I ALWAYS WANTED WAS ALREADY HERE.
IT WAS ALWAYS JUST RIGHT HERE.
It was like after this long Iowa winter, when I first opened the windows and felt the fresh air moving in and through the house.
And from this place so many gorgeous opportunities came knocking.
I'm doing what I've always wanted to do.
All day long.
I see now how this was always available to me, I just couldn't hear it over the thought storm of preference. Of needing things to look or be or go a certain way. And it was always in my head anyways. Meaning as long as I was wanting things to look a certain way I was in conflict with what I was seeing in my experience. And since we're ONLY ever experiencing thought in the moment, there were just too many thought storm clouds blocking what was already just right here.
And that was life showing me something new, over and over and over again.
Here are 2 things that stick out to me now :
1. RELAX. There's nothing to do be or see that you aren't experiencing RIGHT NOW. No matter how beautiful or terrifying or sad or funny it looks and feels to you in this moment – just experience it. Just the way it is. Right now.
2. A NEW THOUGHT IS ALWAYS COMING. Whatever you're questioning or wondering about now, whatever looks like a challenge or a problem or something to solve, rest in the I Don't Know, because you will know – without morphing or molding it to look like any certain way. There's no way to see the opportunity or experience ahead. it just doesn't exist.
Be here now.
Light and Love,